12th September 2009

Text with 13 notes

why the USSR lost the cold war

Thanks to my friend Gabrielle for this heads-up; she loves the same quirky things about music as I do. She is also an extremely talented artist, check out her portfolio at http://gabsportfolio.tumblr.com/, and her blog at http://drawgabbydraw.tumblr.com/.

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So Gab and I found the reason why the Soviets lost the Cold War. Some say it was the individual states’ movement towards sovereignty; some say it was economic factors that had been building for a long time; some say it was the 1991 attempted coup; some say it was Hasselhoff.

We say it was their album covers.

Don’t believe us? Spare us. Look at these album covers and tell me the reflection of culture and society in 1970’s and 1980’s Soviet Russia was not the hidden pathology for the downfall of the USSR. Here are the best of the best from this site: http://englishrussia.com/?p=2998.

All are actual album art from the USSR. Commentary by me. Body by Jake. Let’s get in really close:

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Russian computer programmers are party fiends. Also, isn’t this Matthew Broderick’s bedroom from Wargames?

No, no, no. Hold the shell HIGHER. That should fix everything.

-Sir, I need you to sign off on some album covers before we publish them…No, wait…sir, you should probably LOOK at them first…?

No no NO, Kris Kelmi. Open YOUR sesame. And your bolo.

Really trying to corner the futuristic hip vampire music market.

Ladies: stop resisting. Alto sax PLUS silver jacket and bowtie? CRYPTONITE.

Sex. Sells.

Oh wow! Rock and roll is fun.

So…should I just keep acting like I hate music?

Ok guys, goal for this photo shoot: Let’s combine The Terminator and Sonny Crockett in the absolute worst way possible. Ready…BREAK.

2 ponies? Check. Lassie? Check. Horse with huge candy-cane reins-thing? Check. One guitar? Check. Purple mock turtleneck? Check. The BEST, MOST HIPPEST-LOOKING BAND EVER? Check.

Tree sap isn’t reminiscient of any other substance. None.

Let’s pretend we’re the Beatles. Except we don’t have Ringo. Oh, and we hate ourselves. And each other.

…Pederasty?

10 x 10^ - 6 awesomeness level of “Call on Me.”

-Yeah, we’re ready. Take the picture.
-Um, guys, I think we need to make you look a little more hip.
-But we have LYRES.
-Yea, I know, I know, but-
-And a flute!
-…And it looks great, but we’re just looking to…
-And matching sweet suits, for God’s sake! What else do you WANT?

New Kids on the Bloc.

Free enterprise? HILARIOUS. Eh comrades, eh?

Ok, so just put on that green shirt, stand by that photo matte of the Steppe, and give us your best Paul Reubens. Fantastic.

Ok, you’ve got the James Taylor thing down. Just act a little — Canadian-er.

-Something’s missing. I’m not getting the shot I want.
-Could it be a problem with the shirts we chose for the band?
-No. I chose them myself. Not a chance.

-So, what if we just lay the band members on their side and took the photo from above as if they were flying through the air?
-Dammit, Johnson. You’re a GENIUS!

-Yes, thank you front desk. Yes, we found both the mirror AND the 1894 telephone. Yes, both were in the room! Yes, we’ll enjoy our stay - yes, yes we’ve heard Amursk is lovely this time of year.

Does this need much? Comments? Questions?

The creepy old-man-in-space look. Classic go-to move.

Now you can train in the summer to lose to the Americans in hockey!

Let’s KINDA rip off a classic album cover, but then bring in a dalmation and a bike.

I challenge you to whatever sport that is, upside-down yellow-jumpsuited man.

Upside-down isosceles triangle.

-Ok, ready for the picture? You’ll be fine, just channel Barry Manilow. But be 417 times worse. Oh, and put your tie outside your jacket. Yea, that’s good.

High hopes to be the headliner at the NAMBLA convention.

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Thanks for reading. We’ll see you again soon.