30th September 2009

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the search for the worst music on the internet or even the world

The following collaborative project was made possible by extensive research from James Stevens, Will Moseley, and Joe Rose.

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When searching for the worst music on the internet or even the world (WMOTIOETW), it’s important to know what factors are important to the analysis so that one can create a proper rubric for ascertaining the relative badness of the music in question. It would seem that the worst kind of music is that which tries to shape shift and draw inspiration from many genres in an effort to fit into as many categories as it can. When this is attempted, disaster is usually close behind (see, e.g. Crazytown’s “Butterfly”).

Our three finalists are certainly guilty of 1st-degree genre-mixing. And absolutely guilty of whatever is higher than 1st-degree crappy music-making. Extensive discussions between Joe, James, Will, and myself have resulted in a pretty good idea of standard qualities of the WMOTIOETW. Having pared down the large volume of possible nominees, I have decided upon three unbelievable stinkers. And so, in no particular order, here are the three finalists for WMOTIOETW. Comments, votes, or additional nominations are welcome. (Click on the individual article header to access the comments section.)

Without further ado…

1. Next Stop Mars - “HxPorn”

Take equal parts electronica, scream-o, glam-rock, crunk rap, metal. Mix with a few deep v-necks, no respect for any of the incorporated genres, and little-to-no talent, and you get this steaming pile of noise.

2. Brokencyde - “Freaxxx”

“Ok, fellas, we have a great idea for a song. Let’s mix crunk rap, boy band music, a few random screams, a little innocent choking, and way too much autotune.”

3. Confide - “Such Great Heights”

Now I imagine you, the reader, listening to the intro and thinking, “Oh, this might be a nice little cover! I definitely like the song from the UPS commercials…it’s super romantic and stuff.”

I’M WARNING YOU: WHEN THE VOCALS COME IN YOU MAY PUNCH SOMETHING. So please move aside any glass, office walls, and/or babies prior to watching the embedded video.

Ok. Now, I’m not a huge Postal Service fan, but “Such Great Heights” is a pretty decent song. If the below video’s existence was meant to treat the original “Such Great Heights” like Confide’s own personal toilet paper collection, well, my friends: the nail has been hit on the head.

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I promise you, much more respectable music choices are soon to follow. Thanks for reading…