28th April 2010

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way worse than cool hybrids, like zonies or tigons: the three worst/best celeb music crossovers

Since the beginning of time (or at least since Paris Hilton), “celebrity” has been an amorphous concept. “Famous for being famous” has become the hip new brand of celebrity. I don’t want to tack off all the people who have gotten famous through no fault of their own, but the transgressors are plentiful. And they’re getting famous for more and more asinine reasons. I’m looking in your direction, Justin Bobby.

Whatever happened to the good old days when people got famous for being talented? Or at least pretended to be talented?

Of course, this brand of famous has its limits, too: genuinely talented actors try to become musicians, talented musicians try to become actors, and everything in between. I am speaking, of course, about the dreaded actor-to-musician crossover act.

There are so many, I can’t even begin to attempt to do a comprehensive countdown. I have chosen, instead, to rank my three favorite (read: worst) from the 1980s, for several reasons.

a) They had genuinely great careers at the time when they “crossed over.”

2) Their songs are unbelievably cheesy.

d) Their songs actually got crazy popular.

viii) Almost every cultural event or fad in the 80s was funny automatically. (That’s why the 80s are the #1 cause of parties for people aged 18-25.)

-) These celebs’ crossover attempts just gave that auto-funny-factor a little push.

So here we go, in descending order.

#3 - Bruce Willis’ cover of “Respect Yourself.”

We all know Brew Swillis for his roles in Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, and - of course - Look Who’s Talking Too. We also know him for the amount of success he was able to enjoy even with a serious handicap: having the first name “Bruce.” What many don’t know is that he enjoyed some success as a solo musical artist in the late 80s with his album The Return of Bruno, the companion release to the comedy mockumentary film of the same name.

Here, the (spoiler alert!) therapist-who-is-really-a-ghost-the-entire-time himself covers The Staple Singers’ sultry, politically-charged groove “Respect Yourself.” And Korben Dallas actually does a pretty decent job, even considering the cheesed-out harmonica, synth, and gospel choir parts, and standardly-sterile 80s backbeat. Somehow the savior of all mankind’s little ditty made it all the way to #5 in the charts.

Quick question: how come every bar depicted in film in the 80s was shrouded in mist?

#2 - Eddie Murphy’s “Party All The Time”

Eddie Murphy is a puzzling character. IMMENSELY talented stand-up comic. One of the best SNL cast members ever. Had some amazing film roles in the 80s. Yet since Coming to America in 1988, his most notable role has been a donkey. (How could Daddy Day Camp fail????)

Here, Eddie teams up with Rick James (who, YES existed even before Dave Chappelle) for “Party All The Time.” Strange how in the video, everyone in the studio seems to be having a lot of fun…except for Eddie. Maybe his girl really DOES like to party all the time. Or maybe he was just stoic because he was honored by the fact that somehow this sparsely-filled 80s dance number reached NUMBER TWO IN THE CHARTS.

My favorite part? Rick James’ splendid air drums at about 1:28. Not that I would EVER be guilty of air-drumming.

#1 - Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”

This white-blazered studmuffin took his “talent” to the studio in 1986 and put out this musical “gem.” Don Johnson was of course the star of Miami Vice, which I will not take the liberty of describing for you, although I should include Wikipedia’s take on DJ’s Sonny Crocket character: “He typically wore thousand dollar Versace and Hugo Boss suits over pastel cotton t-shirts, drove a Ferrari 365 GTS/4 Daytona, and lived on a 42-foot yacht with his pet alligator ‘Elvis.’” Enough. Said.

Somehow, somehow, this song ended up at number 5 on the Billboard chart(s), but number 60 in our heart(s). I would describe the song’s music video more for you, but…I can’t really tell what the hell is going on in it. Best I can tell, our hero (that’s Don Johnson) falls in love with one of the actresses while he works as a cameraman on a dramatic war film(?). But also sings with his band and backup singers in a big room with a lit-up floor and walls resembling the walls in a Lego-made hospital(?). You be the judge. (A much more thorough discussion of this video can be found here.) At any rate, this song IS the 80s: if encapsulates all of what was great/awful about the decade.

Thanks for reading, more to come once the summer gets rolling.